feeling depressed.

Where do I belong? Do I belong in college? What major do I want? Who do I want to be with? How do I want to be treated? Do I really want an apartment? Am I just wasting my life by being in college? I really don’t know what I want or where I want to go or what I want to do or who I want to do it with. Every time I find a boy who is amazing I always manage to push them away somehow accidentally. He seems to be ok. And he really cares and I care about him. And he doesn’t expect much more from me than I am willing to give and I really want to show him how much I appreciate him caring without scaring him away. I just don’t know what to do. Boys are confusing but really, all I want is just someone I care about and who cares about me in return. I just need somebody to love. Is that really so much to ask? Does every special person to me need to find my flaws? To shove me away? There must be someone and somewhere where I truly belong where people understand me and let me be and I feel like I fit in. Where I feel like I am not being constantly shoved away. Why can I not ever know what I want to do with my life? What am I good at? What can I do better than most people and want to seek a job in? You see, nothing really seems like something I could do and be happy with. I really cannot focus on anything lately. It may be because I am on lots of medication for my dislocated ankle. I don’t know. Here's a great question? Why does everyone feel they need to change me somehow to be with me? I don't seek to change them, just change the need they seem to feel to change me. I don’t want to have to change for someone and I don’t want them to have to change for me. I just long for acceptance, love, belonging, purpose. Is that not what most humans look for? Acceptance and purpose? It seems basic when you think about it. It really does. Pain. It shoots through me when I realize that I have no idea what I want to do. Ok not really. Pain shoots through me when my Vicodin wears off and my dislocated ankle reminds me of its presence. Well that is quite enough to think about for now. Goodbye.

P.S. I have talked to him and we are all ok with accepting eachother's flaws and I feel a whole lot happier now again. :D