A New Year of Insanity

So I was looking through my diary in OneNote today, and I realized that my writing was more creative when I was only talking to myself. So I have decided to post the jumbled pile of thoughts into a giant, year's worth of diary insanity blog post. Are you ready?

P.S. (just be aware that none of this is in any particular order whatsoever, I was having fun writing in a different spot on the page every time I wrote)



Thursday, December 30, 2010
6:42 PM

Why?

I am changing. My whole being is changing. I can feel it happening but am helpless to stop it.

Ok so I have many personalities. Is that such a bad thing? Well they're not like split personalities, its just that I act so differently around different people...

Some days, I worry about myself. Who I am, who I am becoming. I am trying so desperately hard to find myself, only to be lost in a sea of shadows. None of these attempted personalities fit just right. I don’t know where I belong and it is driving me crazy. People say I am nice, then others hate me because I am so terribly mean. I am depressive and odd. I need people all the time. I fear being alone. So, so alone. I have problems occasionally trying to get to know new people. But once I do get to know them I talk way too much and drive them crazy. I am complicated and not quite sure anyone will ever understand me. Even in a crowded room I often feel alone, or even like I am the only real person. I attribute this to the fact that I am overly obsessed with fantasy and science fiction books and video games, choosing them over real life, and I have a skewed view of how life should work. Sometimes I feel like I don’t fit in, don’t belong here, and I just need to find where I do belong. When around other people I try to put on my happy ditzy act and they always believe it. Otherwise I would be sad and shy and lonely and nobody would want to talk to me. I crave attention. Without it I believe I might implode. I just need love and attention, and to feel like I belong.

I am feeling in a who-needs-friends mood today. Want to share my feelings with everyone but afraid of what they will think of me. So, who needs them? I will be my own person. I don’t need other people to define who I am.

Why?

It might sound strange now, but I believe I am attracted to younger guys usually. In four more years it won't sound so odd. Freshmen now will be out of high school and probably into college. Is three or four years really that big of a difference?

Some days I think I should write a blog. But really, who would want to read about my life? I have nothing particularly exciting going on. I could exaggerate everything like hyperbole and a half does, or maybe just add my own flair to stuff happening to me. I'm not quite sure.

How can everything change so fast, while other things stay the same forever?

Why?

I like guys. I love the attention I get around them. And I freaking
Love beating people up with Nerf swords. Gosh I miss Central so bad right now. I need my age people and… I don’t know. Just, people. Yeah.

Why?

Maybe it is just that I need attention. I  need someone to love me and care for me. Or even just to listen to my problems without judging me. I tend to be overly and hopelessly romantic. It is a flaw. I am a very flawed human being. But then again, who isn't?

My world needs to revolve around me. That is why it is my world and not anyone else's.

Am I really crazy?

You see, some days, (ok well most days) I feel this need. This need inside me screaming, "ADVENTURE! You need adventure! You need to just get out of the house and do something reckless!!" And I am not quite sure why, but that voice is getting more and more insistent every time. It is just telling me to go out and have fun, no matter the danger. No matter who might see. No matter what people will think of me. I just need to go.

I WANT TO STAB PEOPLE. OR WHIP OUT MY LIGHTER. I AM FREAKIN VIOLENT.

Why?

And then other days, I feel as if I should just be alone. People are pointless. All I need is me. But that is completely untrue. I fear I would just collapse if I was alone for too long. I crave people. I need attention. Without either I would just crumble and fall.

AAAHAHAHAH there. I am pretty sure I have officially pissed off everyone in my house several times this break. And I am currently refusing to accept an apology from my sister. I am a wonderful person, no?

And then my people reading skills. Or my aura-reading ability as I like to put it. I can tell if I will get along with people usually from the first sentence they speak, or even sometimes just from seeing them. I can tell whether they will be good people or not. Sometimes I choose not to listen to that voice, and then that is when I get hurt. I ignore my intuition and just do what my head says. Note: Intuition is ALWAYS right.

THINGS ARE LOOKING UP!! I LOVE MY CLASSES!! I AM MAKING FRIENDS IN THEM! ALL IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD AGAIN! :D

Since I can't focus on homework and I feel like shit, I guess I will write in here. I really should be doing something useful, but some days I just can't. Life just sucks right this minute. I was fine earlier. Now for some reason I am crying my eyes out. And I can't figure out why. I have been on my medications. I have been fine all day. Is it just exhaustion? From running all over the place, like literally? Or am I secretly a failure who just cannot do anything? It seems all the important things I keep putting off and doing pointless menial tasks instead. Or going out and enjoying myself. Then the deadlines come up and I have nothing to show. I have done nothing whatsoever. I cannot for the life of me convince myself to actually work up the effort and do what I must. I am going to probably fail this English class. I would very much like to not fail, but with my present and past slackerishness, I cannot conceive me actually getting a good grade in this class at all. Why must I have days like this so much when it comes to writing papers? I never used to be this bad. Are these pills really helping after all? Or are they just making everything worse? Because right now it seems as if my life is slipping further and further from control and safety and responsibility. I used to be able to do most at least of what was required of me. But now, I cannot even fathom doing more than I am and that is not much. What is wrong with me? Why? Why must days be like this? What have I done (or not done) do deserve such a cloudy disposition toward responsibility and stuff I want to do, with at least some part of me, and cannot get the rest of me to cooperate? WHYYYYYYYYY?  I cant take this. I am going to sleep. Because that reallllly fixes everything. NOT.

Where do I belong? Do I belong in college? What major do I want? Who do I want to be with? How do I want to be treated? Do I really want an apartment? Am I just wasting my life by being in college? I really don’t know what I want or where I want to go or what I want to do or who I want to do it with. Every time I find a boy who is amazing I always manage to push them away somehow accidentally. Matt seems to be ok. And he really cares and I care about him. And he doesn’t expect much more from me than I am willing to give and I really want to show him how much I appreciate him caring without scaring him away. I just don’t know what to do. Boys are confusing but really, all I want is just someone I care about and who cares about me in return. I just need somebody to love. Is that really so much to ask? Does every special person to me need to find my flaws? To shove me away? There must be someone and somewhere where I truly belong where people understand me and let me be and I feel like I fit in. Where I feel like I am not being constantly shoved away. Why can I not ever know what I want to do with my life? What am I good at? What can I do better than most people and want to seek a job in? You see, nothing really seems like something I could do and be happy with. I really cannot focus on anything lately. It may be because I am on lots of medication for my dislocated ankle. I don’t know. Here's a great question? Why does everyone feel they need to change me somehow to be with me? I don't seek to change them, just change the need they seem to feel to change me. I don’t want to have to change for someone and I don’t want them to have to change for me. I just long for acceptance, love, belonging, purpose. Is that not what most humans look for? Acceptance and purpose? It seems basic when you think about it. It really does. Pain. It shoots through me when I realize that I have no idea what I want to do. Ok not really. Pain shoots through me when my Vicodin wears off and my dislocated ankle reminds me of its presence. Well that is quite enough to think about for now. Goodbye.

Boys. They are the topic of most of my depressing sad stories I have told on here, are they not? But I have recently met this wonderful guy Robert who, I don’t know, just seems to click. He has a great personality, a bit snarky at times but he is always honest and joking about things. He is so cute around his dogs it is amazing. He keeps putting me first and it makes me just want him all the more. It's only been a week so I shouldn’t be falling this fast, but hey, that's just how I roll. Anyways. This one isn't a rant which is strange because it is like all the crap on this page so far is complaints. Right now I am just utterly and inexplicably happy. (ok so there's an explanation. It's this smexy boy lols)  I am feeling tired now. Though lately I have not been because I am just so exhilarated. It's like just being around Robert makes me all full of energy and shit. It's kind of cool. But obviously I cannot spend every second of every day with him. Oh gosh, I wish I could just type all my thoughts or write them in a notebook without worrying about my paranoia of anyone reading about all my insecurities and how quickly I am able to fall for sweet guys. I wish there were just some place, somewhere where I could be just me. Just myself. Where I could be who I want and say or think or write what I want without feeling strangely guilty. Oh my god I am falling asleep. Well goodnight page of random thoughts. I hope to see you again soon. We have much to speak about.

What I want from life:
A successful job/career
A family eventually
Friends who love me
People who care about me
Money enough to not have to worry
Free time
Happiness
To find myself. Really and truly.
To travel
To enjoy every minute


He's 27. He had a fiancée. He seems to know just so much more than I do, even about myself. He says I am down to earth and not like many girls out there, and he himself is definitely not like most guys out there. I think I really like him. So now what?

And now If you have actually read this far, you now truly know who I am, every nitpicky detail that was stuck in my head this past year, and how messed up we all are inside. Good Luck.

I wonder sometimes

I realize, as I do every time I log on, that I only blog when I am depressed. Or upset. Or just feeling strange.

Anyway, about 22 days ago, I met this wonderful guy. We get along so well and he is so freaking romantic it is adorable. He makes me food when I am hungry, encourages me to be my best, and I honestly think that all of this awesomeness is making me fall for him. Hard. I have never felt this way before, no matter how cliche that may sound, and I am not quite sure this will even last, but almost every fiber of my being is hoping that it will. This is not just a relationship for the hell of being in one, this guy actually makes me feel like myself and like he is himself all the time with me. There are no lies, no secrets, and we are both much too nice to each other, if only because we care.
 I was searching on his facebook page (oh how I am hating facebook lately) and I noticed he had a date with a girl just a month before he first asked me out. Is it just me and my lack of relationship knowledge, or is that pretty soon? He keeps saying that I am amazing and how it is so strangely wonderful that he can just be himself around me and I just adore him all the same. He also was engaged before, and has had many girls for a year or so after they broke it off. I understand that now he is different. I am young and naive though, and I don't want to be taken advantage though. So. Should I stay with him and believe what my heart believes, or should I go with what my mind says?
My heart and mind have always been on conflicting sides, my heart just falling so quickly for people, and my mind telling me every flaw, every downfall, every possible way it could go wrong. I am so sick of listening to what my mind tells me. I know that I just don't want to be hurt, again, but really, what harm is there in just being with somebody who makes me happy?

On a completely unrelated topic, somewhat, I wonder who I am turning into lately. My younger self would hate me, but my current self is enjoying every minute of my personality lately. Though I could do without the sudden and inexplicable bouts of depression. Oh well.

Farewell everyone, my laptop is going to die soon and I left my charger at my friend's house.

It has been a month already???

Wow I just noticed that I have not been blogging as much as i should have been. I keep telling myself that I am going to do it, but then i lose my energy because I just spout off my entire train of thought to my roommate. 


Like the other day (about a week or so ago, maybe two weeks??) I had gone to a meeting with some people who I had met at walmart who had some business thing going on and wanted us to join. I was not quite sure what they were up to or how their business worked, so i went to the meeting out of curiosity and realized that the people who had seemed normal previously were now completely insane weird chanting and shouting lunatics. The whole point of their business system (ok so i don't know if i am actually allowed to explain all the secrets...) is to pretty much make money off of a website and then from teaching other people to make websites, and by teaching them you get money from their site as well, and anyone they teach, so it just sounds like you get paid for a bunch of shit you never did. I don't like and/or trust these people after hearing how they all had to justify their means of getting money over and over repetitively, like just saying it is fine will make it somehow ok. Then, they were all in fancy business attire and had told me to wear whatever I was comfortable in. That sucked, because I wore a bright orange t-shirt and jeans, and I very much stood out. If that weren't bad enough, everyone noticed I was new there and had to come introduce themselves and come say how they were glad I could be there and hopefully be a part of their team.
Now, I know this doesn't sound so bad, people all being friendly and whatnot, but the thing is, I am pretty sure that if I joined in their business, they would all make money off of me and my business for doing nothing but knowing me and that is not cool. Any money I earn I want to be my money. I should only make money off of work that I myself do, not other people who also work. Gosh. That would be like teachers teaching kids to be teachers, and then every time one actually was a teacher, and taught other kids to be teachers, the first would get exponentially more money. It does not make sense at all! People should get paid for work that they do, and not for work that others they taught do.


On a completely other note, I recently have obtained some hermit crabs from my local pet store and have designed a habitat for them and one of them already changed out of a non-fitting shell she came in from the store. They all look extremely happy in this new tank and keep running and climbing around and hanging out together like best friends. It is adorable. I also realized that I can feed them other foods besides the stuff you can buy in a little jar from the stores (thank you, Internet) and that they really like honey bunches of oats. It was the only cereal I had around and I gave it a shot to see if they actually would eat them, and crushed a few flakes up. Next thing I knew, they were crowded around the dish all grabbing out bits and eating them like they were the best food they had ever eaten. Gosh I love my little hermies SO much! They really do love to climb around and be social, so I am pretty sure these ones are much happier than the ones I had as a child, who were lonely in a tiny tank with nothing to climb. Yayyy hermies!


Oh my gosh, I don't remember if I told you guys, but I got a job finally!! One of the places I applied to actually called me back and wanted to interview me, and they liked me and I got the job! My job title, hilariously enough, is Service Champion. Champion? Really? Ok, that's kind of cool. Maybe I can get all ego-filled because I have a cool title. I mean, maybe I am like a super hero! Maybe it is my job to help all hungry taco-wanting people to finally obtain their lifetime want of eating another Taco!!! All I have to do is work nights with the crazy drunk (or at least they will be once school starts) college kids at 2am! Ohhhhh. Maybe that's why I shall be a champion, for not attempting to murder the annoying drunk and hungover kids when they come to order and don't even know what they want. Like the one kid I saw order seven cheeseburgers and 20 chicken nuggets at McDonald's for just himself, and five minutes after paying was like, "Whoaaahh. Why did I buy seven cheeseburgers???". Great. Yes it will definitely take a champion to deal with all the drunk people who have no idea what is going on or where they are. And I will be the best champion of them all!! I will be Service Champion CHAMPION!! Hahahhahaahahaha. Which just makes me think of the Pokemon theme song, "I wanna be the very best, like no one ever was, dun dun dun, to catch them is my true test, to train them is my cause!!! POKEMON!" Oh, those were the days. When all it took to think you were the greatest person ever was to catch a bunch of Pokemon on a game and defeat the Elite Four. Yeah, now to be a great person, I have to have a job, and go to college, and like, make something of my life. Wtf


Speaking of money, I noticed that it is ridiculously hard to keep. It is easily lost when it finds shiny objects or food, it doesn't cooperate and stay where you put it, it likes living with everyone except myself, and it burns holes in my pockets. And a lot of the time I have none, until I find a little again miraculously and it seems to think that I need food and takes off again. Like a really bad kid, or a stupid dog. It never stays long. Maybe, it just doesn't like me like I like it. But I need it so bad to survive.


Question: Is college really necessary? I mean, everyone says it is. But I really don't feel like it is where I belong, what I am supposed to be doing with my life. I suck at planning for the future, and doing pointless homework, and sitting through lectures that put me to sleep. Maybe I don't belong there, but if not, then what am I supposed to do with my life? Work in a restaurant or factory my whole life? Would that really be so bad? What kinds of jobs would actually suit me and my personality? I guess that life is a game of trial and error. I just have to figure out what to do on my own, there is no set rules on how I should live my life. I will just go out there, into the world, and find the best me that I can be.


So, hopefully I will blog more lately, let my feelings out, try to let the world help me find who I am. Gosh that sounds cheesy. Here, how about I just try to blog more, so that I have something to do. Yep, that sounds better.


Bye for now everyone!

not depressing?

So, I just realized that out of the very few posts I have done (and sorry to anyone who actually reads that I have forgotten to post for quite a while) that a lot of my posts have been sort of, well, depressing.

I decided that I will say all the happy things that have happened lately to make up for that sad fact.

Ok, here we go.

A week and a half ago or so, I happened upon a free hamster in a pet store. He looked injured/wrong but he was free so I lovingly took him into my home. I bought the food he needed, and he had everything else. Now, I have a thing where I never name pets until I am sure they will last for a while and not die right away. My roommate and I had finally decided to call the little fluffball Scooter, because I had wanted a scooter and he kind of scooted around. Turns out, that scooting was because there was something apparently fatally wrong with him, and he died. At least we gave him a loving home for a few days and lots of love and attention while he was with us.

Oh gosh, that was umm, how do I put this......it's rather, depressing? Wonderful. Let me try this again.

Here, this should be happy. I recently discovered that I can actually cook! I can make food that is not only edible and not burned, but it actually tasted pretty good as well. I have made tacos, pasta, improvised/improved a box of hamburger helper, made actual hamburgers, tilapia fillets, and many other exciting dishes these past few weeks.
(and here I was thinking that the best I could do was to not burn the water. And yes, I have actually burned water before)
My roommate agrees that my food tasted spectacular, and I kind of just throw a bunch of things together and they turn out alright so it is amusing to find that it actually all fits together in a delicious way. Now, I am not a chef, mind you, and I do not dare dabble in many things more complicated than adding a jar of pasta sauce to boiled noodles, so do not go thinking that I am a master with food. Quite the contrary, I am just a poor college kid making do with what little is available to me.

Ok. What on earth is with me? I cannot just let things be. I have to dull it down so I am average. Strange, I never realized I did that before.

Hey! I just thought of something else fun and amazing that has happened recently.

I bought some grow-your-own-flower kit type things, with a pot and soil and little seeds to try to grow some plants. I have had these types of things before, and whether it was due to lack of care or lack of intelligent seeds, they have always seemed to fail on me. The strange thing was that this time, my plants actually grew! They started to sprout only two or three days after I planted them and they are amazing. They have been growing insanely fast ever since, and are now about six (six!!!) inches tall already! I can grow flowers and they love me and they are amazing. :D

Ha. So I think that is enough rambling for today. See ya!

feeling depressed.

Where do I belong? Do I belong in college? What major do I want? Who do I want to be with? How do I want to be treated? Do I really want an apartment? Am I just wasting my life by being in college? I really don’t know what I want or where I want to go or what I want to do or who I want to do it with. Every time I find a boy who is amazing I always manage to push them away somehow accidentally. He seems to be ok. And he really cares and I care about him. And he doesn’t expect much more from me than I am willing to give and I really want to show him how much I appreciate him caring without scaring him away. I just don’t know what to do. Boys are confusing but really, all I want is just someone I care about and who cares about me in return. I just need somebody to love. Is that really so much to ask? Does every special person to me need to find my flaws? To shove me away? There must be someone and somewhere where I truly belong where people understand me and let me be and I feel like I fit in. Where I feel like I am not being constantly shoved away. Why can I not ever know what I want to do with my life? What am I good at? What can I do better than most people and want to seek a job in? You see, nothing really seems like something I could do and be happy with. I really cannot focus on anything lately. It may be because I am on lots of medication for my dislocated ankle. I don’t know. Here's a great question? Why does everyone feel they need to change me somehow to be with me? I don't seek to change them, just change the need they seem to feel to change me. I don’t want to have to change for someone and I don’t want them to have to change for me. I just long for acceptance, love, belonging, purpose. Is that not what most humans look for? Acceptance and purpose? It seems basic when you think about it. It really does. Pain. It shoots through me when I realize that I have no idea what I want to do. Ok not really. Pain shoots through me when my Vicodin wears off and my dislocated ankle reminds me of its presence. Well that is quite enough to think about for now. Goodbye.

P.S. I have talked to him and we are all ok with accepting eachother's flaws and I feel a whole lot happier now again. :D

dream poems pt 1

Yesterday I had a dream

I jumped from place to place

At will

It was amazing

I knew it was a dream

Just enough to manipulate

Places and people

The water helped me change

From place to place

Sink to the bottom

And wait

Then a new world I am in

I control who goes where

Who trusts me

Who does not

Who chases me out of spite

Then I run from them

Like a child playing tag

Not wanting to be caught

Knowing no harm will come

From it anyway

I can fly

I can soar

Friends don’t believe

Because I want them to not

So I show them

And they are astounded

Then into the pond

And away I go

Next time a dancer

A mermaid

A ghost

Never having a set plan

But having the time of my life

anyway

                                                                                

This morning I had a dream

In this dream, we were on a field trip

Rest stop

There was a restaurant

There was an angry old man

Everyone there let him have his way

Then we got our food and found a table

Our table was full so I sat a table back

Then this boy the table behind

Started talking to me

He was cute

He wanted to know my name

So I told him

Then went to sit with him

I asked his name

He said something along the lines

Of Bartholomew

Which is an odd name to say the least

Then Eli was trying to get me away

From him but I just told her

That he was a magic prince

From the past

And not to ask me how I knew

That I just did know

And she should trust me

Then he and I went on a short walk

He told me he had magic

And I did too

It had something to do with crystals

I didn’t believe him

When I tried to copy what he did

All I got was failure

But yet he believed in me

And so did all the people

In the village

So I kept trying

And didn’t give up

Just because they believed.

So Lost

Guys. They are so confusing. They pretend to like you, and text you all the time, and invite you over to hang out and play video games, then after a while, they kiss you. Once they do that, they do one of three things. Either they continue talking to you, as friends, like nothing happened, they want to be your boyfriend (which hardly happens), or they completely ignore you and all attempts to communicate with them for at least a week afterward. I mean, it's not like I have to be in a relationship to kiss boys, its just that i would prefer to. And when I start talking to boys and flirting with them, that should be and obvious enough hint that i like them and would like to at least attempt a relationship.
Then there's this whole age issue. People seem to find it strange when I like guys who are younger than me. I have always gotten along better with people younger than me, it is just who I am. When I am around people older than me, it makes me feel uncomfortable, being as they most likely are more experienced in relationships and just talking to people in general. I have tried talking to and flirting with older guys. They never understand my intentions, thinking for some stupid reason that I must just want to fool around with them for a while. NO. This is not what I mean. Not in the least. Younger guys seem to understand this more for some reason.
I would love to find a guy who is funny, who likes similar things, who is easy to talk to, and doesn't expect more from me than I am willing to give. Even if that just means that he would be a friend. I could go to him for advice and there are things that girls just don't understand and guys do (video games for example).
Then there are these high school guys who keep talking/texting to me. They seem interested in me, and one even asked me to prom. Sort of. He seems very confused and doesn't exactly want a girlfriend older than him, even though he says I am a great person.
Society's unwritten rules of age differences in relationships really bug me. Guys don't want to date older girls usually, and girls are supposed to fall for older guys. Trying to go against that is a very complex process that I don't quite understand. I mean, if the age difference works for guys and younger girls, why not for girls and younger guys?
Sigh. I guess I really don't have much else to say except I wish some guy would just understand me and realise that I do, in fact, want a relationship. And a relationship to me does not just immediately jump to making out and fooling around. A relationship should be just understanding and talking to one another, and maybe kisses. Yes, kisses are nice. And after a long time of being together, then maybe, maybe a bit more than that.
Am I wrong to think the way I do? Am I stuck with hopeless teen romance ideas? Will I ever find someone who just wants to love me for me and be loved in return? Because really, I do just want someone to care about.