I realize, as I do every time I log on, that I only blog when I am depressed. Or upset. Or just feeling strange.
Anyway, about 22 days ago, I met this wonderful guy. We get along so well and he is so freaking romantic it is adorable. He makes me food when I am hungry, encourages me to be my best, and I honestly think that all of this awesomeness is making me fall for him. Hard. I have never felt this way before, no matter how cliche that may sound, and I am not quite sure this will even last, but almost every fiber of my being is hoping that it will. This is not just a relationship for the hell of being in one, this guy actually makes me feel like myself and like he is himself all the time with me. There are no lies, no secrets, and we are both much too nice to each other, if only because we care.
I was searching on his facebook page (oh how I am hating facebook lately) and I noticed he had a date with a girl just a month before he first asked me out. Is it just me and my lack of relationship knowledge, or is that pretty soon? He keeps saying that I am amazing and how it is so strangely wonderful that he can just be himself around me and I just adore him all the same. He also was engaged before, and has had many girls for a year or so after they broke it off. I understand that now he is different. I am young and naive though, and I don't want to be taken advantage though. So. Should I stay with him and believe what my heart believes, or should I go with what my mind says?
My heart and mind have always been on conflicting sides, my heart just falling so quickly for people, and my mind telling me every flaw, every downfall, every possible way it could go wrong. I am so sick of listening to what my mind tells me. I know that I just don't want to be hurt, again, but really, what harm is there in just being with somebody who makes me happy?
On a completely unrelated topic, somewhat, I wonder who I am turning into lately. My younger self would hate me, but my current self is enjoying every minute of my personality lately. Though I could do without the sudden and inexplicable bouts of depression. Oh well.
Farewell everyone, my laptop is going to die soon and I left my charger at my friend's house.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Sunday, July 10, 2011
It has been a month already???
Wow I just noticed that I have not been blogging as much as i should have been. I keep telling myself that I am going to do it, but then i lose my energy because I just spout off my entire train of thought to my roommate.
Like the other day (about a week or so ago, maybe two weeks??) I had gone to a meeting with some people who I had met at walmart who had some business thing going on and wanted us to join. I was not quite sure what they were up to or how their business worked, so i went to the meeting out of curiosity and realized that the people who had seemed normal previously were now completely insane weird chanting and shouting lunatics. The whole point of their business system (ok so i don't know if i am actually allowed to explain all the secrets...) is to pretty much make money off of a website and then from teaching other people to make websites, and by teaching them you get money from their site as well, and anyone they teach, so it just sounds like you get paid for a bunch of shit you never did. I don't like and/or trust these people after hearing how they all had to justify their means of getting money over and over repetitively, like just saying it is fine will make it somehow ok. Then, they were all in fancy business attire and had told me to wear whatever I was comfortable in. That sucked, because I wore a bright orange t-shirt and jeans, and I very much stood out. If that weren't bad enough, everyone noticed I was new there and had to come introduce themselves and come say how they were glad I could be there and hopefully be a part of their team.
Now, I know this doesn't sound so bad, people all being friendly and whatnot, but the thing is, I am pretty sure that if I joined in their business, they would all make money off of me and my business for doing nothing but knowing me and that is not cool. Any money I earn I want to be my money. I should only make money off of work that I myself do, not other people who also work. Gosh. That would be like teachers teaching kids to be teachers, and then every time one actually was a teacher, and taught other kids to be teachers, the first would get exponentially more money. It does not make sense at all! People should get paid for work that they do, and not for work that others they taught do.
On a completely other note, I recently have obtained some hermit crabs from my local pet store and have designed a habitat for them and one of them already changed out of a non-fitting shell she came in from the store. They all look extremely happy in this new tank and keep running and climbing around and hanging out together like best friends. It is adorable. I also realized that I can feed them other foods besides the stuff you can buy in a little jar from the stores (thank you, Internet) and that they really like honey bunches of oats. It was the only cereal I had around and I gave it a shot to see if they actually would eat them, and crushed a few flakes up. Next thing I knew, they were crowded around the dish all grabbing out bits and eating them like they were the best food they had ever eaten. Gosh I love my little hermies SO much! They really do love to climb around and be social, so I am pretty sure these ones are much happier than the ones I had as a child, who were lonely in a tiny tank with nothing to climb. Yayyy hermies!
Oh my gosh, I don't remember if I told you guys, but I got a job finally!! One of the places I applied to actually called me back and wanted to interview me, and they liked me and I got the job! My job title, hilariously enough, is Service Champion. Champion? Really? Ok, that's kind of cool. Maybe I can get all ego-filled because I have a cool title. I mean, maybe I am like a super hero! Maybe it is my job to help all hungry taco-wanting people to finally obtain their lifetime want of eating another Taco!!! All I have to do is work nights with the crazy drunk (or at least they will be once school starts) college kids at 2am! Ohhhhh. Maybe that's why I shall be a champion, for not attempting to murder the annoying drunk and hungover kids when they come to order and don't even know what they want. Like the one kid I saw order seven cheeseburgers and 20 chicken nuggets at McDonald's for just himself, and five minutes after paying was like, "Whoaaahh. Why did I buy seven cheeseburgers???". Great. Yes it will definitely take a champion to deal with all the drunk people who have no idea what is going on or where they are. And I will be the best champion of them all!! I will be Service Champion CHAMPION!! Hahahhahaahahaha. Which just makes me think of the Pokemon theme song, "I wanna be the very best, like no one ever was, dun dun dun, to catch them is my true test, to train them is my cause!!! POKEMON!" Oh, those were the days. When all it took to think you were the greatest person ever was to catch a bunch of Pokemon on a game and defeat the Elite Four. Yeah, now to be a great person, I have to have a job, and go to college, and like, make something of my life. Wtf
Speaking of money, I noticed that it is ridiculously hard to keep. It is easily lost when it finds shiny objects or food, it doesn't cooperate and stay where you put it, it likes living with everyone except myself, and it burns holes in my pockets. And a lot of the time I have none, until I find a little again miraculously and it seems to think that I need food and takes off again. Like a really bad kid, or a stupid dog. It never stays long. Maybe, it just doesn't like me like I like it. But I need it so bad to survive.
Question: Is college really necessary? I mean, everyone says it is. But I really don't feel like it is where I belong, what I am supposed to be doing with my life. I suck at planning for the future, and doing pointless homework, and sitting through lectures that put me to sleep. Maybe I don't belong there, but if not, then what am I supposed to do with my life? Work in a restaurant or factory my whole life? Would that really be so bad? What kinds of jobs would actually suit me and my personality? I guess that life is a game of trial and error. I just have to figure out what to do on my own, there is no set rules on how I should live my life. I will just go out there, into the world, and find the best me that I can be.
So, hopefully I will blog more lately, let my feelings out, try to let the world help me find who I am. Gosh that sounds cheesy. Here, how about I just try to blog more, so that I have something to do. Yep, that sounds better.
Bye for now everyone!
Like the other day (about a week or so ago, maybe two weeks??) I had gone to a meeting with some people who I had met at walmart who had some business thing going on and wanted us to join. I was not quite sure what they were up to or how their business worked, so i went to the meeting out of curiosity and realized that the people who had seemed normal previously were now completely insane weird chanting and shouting lunatics. The whole point of their business system (ok so i don't know if i am actually allowed to explain all the secrets...) is to pretty much make money off of a website and then from teaching other people to make websites, and by teaching them you get money from their site as well, and anyone they teach, so it just sounds like you get paid for a bunch of shit you never did. I don't like and/or trust these people after hearing how they all had to justify their means of getting money over and over repetitively, like just saying it is fine will make it somehow ok. Then, they were all in fancy business attire and had told me to wear whatever I was comfortable in. That sucked, because I wore a bright orange t-shirt and jeans, and I very much stood out. If that weren't bad enough, everyone noticed I was new there and had to come introduce themselves and come say how they were glad I could be there and hopefully be a part of their team.
Now, I know this doesn't sound so bad, people all being friendly and whatnot, but the thing is, I am pretty sure that if I joined in their business, they would all make money off of me and my business for doing nothing but knowing me and that is not cool. Any money I earn I want to be my money. I should only make money off of work that I myself do, not other people who also work. Gosh. That would be like teachers teaching kids to be teachers, and then every time one actually was a teacher, and taught other kids to be teachers, the first would get exponentially more money. It does not make sense at all! People should get paid for work that they do, and not for work that others they taught do.
On a completely other note, I recently have obtained some hermit crabs from my local pet store and have designed a habitat for them and one of them already changed out of a non-fitting shell she came in from the store. They all look extremely happy in this new tank and keep running and climbing around and hanging out together like best friends. It is adorable. I also realized that I can feed them other foods besides the stuff you can buy in a little jar from the stores (thank you, Internet) and that they really like honey bunches of oats. It was the only cereal I had around and I gave it a shot to see if they actually would eat them, and crushed a few flakes up. Next thing I knew, they were crowded around the dish all grabbing out bits and eating them like they were the best food they had ever eaten. Gosh I love my little hermies SO much! They really do love to climb around and be social, so I am pretty sure these ones are much happier than the ones I had as a child, who were lonely in a tiny tank with nothing to climb. Yayyy hermies!
Oh my gosh, I don't remember if I told you guys, but I got a job finally!! One of the places I applied to actually called me back and wanted to interview me, and they liked me and I got the job! My job title, hilariously enough, is Service Champion. Champion? Really? Ok, that's kind of cool. Maybe I can get all ego-filled because I have a cool title. I mean, maybe I am like a super hero! Maybe it is my job to help all hungry taco-wanting people to finally obtain their lifetime want of eating another Taco!!! All I have to do is work nights with the crazy drunk (or at least they will be once school starts) college kids at 2am! Ohhhhh. Maybe that's why I shall be a champion, for not attempting to murder the annoying drunk and hungover kids when they come to order and don't even know what they want. Like the one kid I saw order seven cheeseburgers and 20 chicken nuggets at McDonald's for just himself, and five minutes after paying was like, "Whoaaahh. Why did I buy seven cheeseburgers???". Great. Yes it will definitely take a champion to deal with all the drunk people who have no idea what is going on or where they are. And I will be the best champion of them all!! I will be Service Champion CHAMPION!! Hahahhahaahahaha. Which just makes me think of the Pokemon theme song, "I wanna be the very best, like no one ever was, dun dun dun, to catch them is my true test, to train them is my cause!!! POKEMON!" Oh, those were the days. When all it took to think you were the greatest person ever was to catch a bunch of Pokemon on a game and defeat the Elite Four. Yeah, now to be a great person, I have to have a job, and go to college, and like, make something of my life. Wtf
Speaking of money, I noticed that it is ridiculously hard to keep. It is easily lost when it finds shiny objects or food, it doesn't cooperate and stay where you put it, it likes living with everyone except myself, and it burns holes in my pockets. And a lot of the time I have none, until I find a little again miraculously and it seems to think that I need food and takes off again. Like a really bad kid, or a stupid dog. It never stays long. Maybe, it just doesn't like me like I like it. But I need it so bad to survive.
Question: Is college really necessary? I mean, everyone says it is. But I really don't feel like it is where I belong, what I am supposed to be doing with my life. I suck at planning for the future, and doing pointless homework, and sitting through lectures that put me to sleep. Maybe I don't belong there, but if not, then what am I supposed to do with my life? Work in a restaurant or factory my whole life? Would that really be so bad? What kinds of jobs would actually suit me and my personality? I guess that life is a game of trial and error. I just have to figure out what to do on my own, there is no set rules on how I should live my life. I will just go out there, into the world, and find the best me that I can be.
So, hopefully I will blog more lately, let my feelings out, try to let the world help me find who I am. Gosh that sounds cheesy. Here, how about I just try to blog more, so that I have something to do. Yep, that sounds better.
Bye for now everyone!
Friday, June 10, 2011
not depressing?
So, I just realized that out of the very few posts I have done (and sorry to anyone who actually reads that I have forgotten to post for quite a while) that a lot of my posts have been sort of, well, depressing.
I decided that I will say all the happy things that have happened lately to make up for that sad fact.
Ok, here we go.
A week and a half ago or so, I happened upon a free hamster in a pet store. He looked injured/wrong but he was free so I lovingly took him into my home. I bought the food he needed, and he had everything else. Now, I have a thing where I never name pets until I am sure they will last for a while and not die right away. My roommate and I had finally decided to call the little fluffball Scooter, because I had wanted a scooter and he kind of scooted around. Turns out, that scooting was because there was something apparently fatally wrong with him, and he died. At least we gave him a loving home for a few days and lots of love and attention while he was with us.
Oh gosh, that was umm, how do I put this......it's rather, depressing? Wonderful. Let me try this again.
Here, this should be happy. I recently discovered that I can actually cook! I can make food that is not only edible and not burned, but it actually tasted pretty good as well. I have made tacos, pasta, improvised/improved a box of hamburger helper, made actual hamburgers, tilapia fillets, and many other exciting dishes these past few weeks.
(and here I was thinking that the best I could do was to not burn the water. And yes, I have actually burned water before)
My roommate agrees that my food tasted spectacular, and I kind of just throw a bunch of things together and they turn out alright so it is amusing to find that it actually all fits together in a delicious way. Now, I am not a chef, mind you, and I do not dare dabble in many things more complicated than adding a jar of pasta sauce to boiled noodles, so do not go thinking that I am a master with food. Quite the contrary, I am just a poor college kid making do with what little is available to me.
Ok. What on earth is with me? I cannot just let things be. I have to dull it down so I am average. Strange, I never realized I did that before.
Hey! I just thought of something else fun and amazing that has happened recently.
I bought some grow-your-own-flower kit type things, with a pot and soil and little seeds to try to grow some plants. I have had these types of things before, and whether it was due to lack of care or lack of intelligent seeds, they have always seemed to fail on me. The strange thing was that this time, my plants actually grew! They started to sprout only two or three days after I planted them and they are amazing. They have been growing insanely fast ever since, and are now about six (six!!!) inches tall already! I can grow flowers and they love me and they are amazing. :D
Ha. So I think that is enough rambling for today. See ya!
I decided that I will say all the happy things that have happened lately to make up for that sad fact.
Ok, here we go.
A week and a half ago or so, I happened upon a free hamster in a pet store. He looked injured/wrong but he was free so I lovingly took him into my home. I bought the food he needed, and he had everything else. Now, I have a thing where I never name pets until I am sure they will last for a while and not die right away. My roommate and I had finally decided to call the little fluffball Scooter, because I had wanted a scooter and he kind of scooted around. Turns out, that scooting was because there was something apparently fatally wrong with him, and he died. At least we gave him a loving home for a few days and lots of love and attention while he was with us.
Oh gosh, that was umm, how do I put this......it's rather, depressing? Wonderful. Let me try this again.
Here, this should be happy. I recently discovered that I can actually cook! I can make food that is not only edible and not burned, but it actually tasted pretty good as well. I have made tacos, pasta, improvised/improved a box of hamburger helper, made actual hamburgers, tilapia fillets, and many other exciting dishes these past few weeks.
(and here I was thinking that the best I could do was to not burn the water. And yes, I have actually burned water before)
My roommate agrees that my food tasted spectacular, and I kind of just throw a bunch of things together and they turn out alright so it is amusing to find that it actually all fits together in a delicious way. Now, I am not a chef, mind you, and I do not dare dabble in many things more complicated than adding a jar of pasta sauce to boiled noodles, so do not go thinking that I am a master with food. Quite the contrary, I am just a poor college kid making do with what little is available to me.
Ok. What on earth is with me? I cannot just let things be. I have to dull it down so I am average. Strange, I never realized I did that before.
Hey! I just thought of something else fun and amazing that has happened recently.
I bought some grow-your-own-flower kit type things, with a pot and soil and little seeds to try to grow some plants. I have had these types of things before, and whether it was due to lack of care or lack of intelligent seeds, they have always seemed to fail on me. The strange thing was that this time, my plants actually grew! They started to sprout only two or three days after I planted them and they are amazing. They have been growing insanely fast ever since, and are now about six (six!!!) inches tall already! I can grow flowers and they love me and they are amazing. :D
Ha. So I think that is enough rambling for today. See ya!
Monday, April 11, 2011
feeling depressed.
Where do I belong? Do I belong in college? What major do I want? Who do I want to be with? How do I want to be treated? Do I really want an apartment? Am I just wasting my life by being in college? I really don’t know what I want or where I want to go or what I want to do or who I want to do it with. Every time I find a boy who is amazing I always manage to push them away somehow accidentally. He seems to be ok. And he really cares and I care about him. And he doesn’t expect much more from me than I am willing to give and I really want to show him how much I appreciate him caring without scaring him away. I just don’t know what to do. Boys are confusing but really, all I want is just someone I care about and who cares about me in return. I just need somebody to love. Is that really so much to ask? Does every special person to me need to find my flaws? To shove me away? There must be someone and somewhere where I truly belong where people understand me and let me be and I feel like I fit in. Where I feel like I am not being constantly shoved away. Why can I not ever know what I want to do with my life? What am I good at? What can I do better than most people and want to seek a job in? You see, nothing really seems like something I could do and be happy with. I really cannot focus on anything lately. It may be because I am on lots of medication for my dislocated ankle. I don’t know. Here's a great question? Why does everyone feel they need to change me somehow to be with me? I don't seek to change them, just change the need they seem to feel to change me. I don’t want to have to change for someone and I don’t want them to have to change for me. I just long for acceptance, love, belonging, purpose. Is that not what most humans look for? Acceptance and purpose? It seems basic when you think about it. It really does. Pain. It shoots through me when I realize that I have no idea what I want to do. Ok not really. Pain shoots through me when my Vicodin wears off and my dislocated ankle reminds me of its presence. Well that is quite enough to think about for now. Goodbye.
P.S. I have talked to him and we are all ok with accepting eachother's flaws and I feel a whole lot happier now again. :D
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
So Lost
Guys. They are so confusing. They pretend to like you, and text you all the time, and invite you over to hang out and play video games, then after a while, they kiss you. Once they do that, they do one of three things. Either they continue talking to you, as friends, like nothing happened, they want to be your boyfriend (which hardly happens), or they completely ignore you and all attempts to communicate with them for at least a week afterward. I mean, it's not like I have to be in a relationship to kiss boys, its just that i would prefer to. And when I start talking to boys and flirting with them, that should be and obvious enough hint that i like them and would like to at least attempt a relationship.
Then there's this whole age issue. People seem to find it strange when I like guys who are younger than me. I have always gotten along better with people younger than me, it is just who I am. When I am around people older than me, it makes me feel uncomfortable, being as they most likely are more experienced in relationships and just talking to people in general. I have tried talking to and flirting with older guys. They never understand my intentions, thinking for some stupid reason that I must just want to fool around with them for a while. NO. This is not what I mean. Not in the least. Younger guys seem to understand this more for some reason.
I would love to find a guy who is funny, who likes similar things, who is easy to talk to, and doesn't expect more from me than I am willing to give. Even if that just means that he would be a friend. I could go to him for advice and there are things that girls just don't understand and guys do (video games for example).
Then there are these high school guys who keep talking/texting to me. They seem interested in me, and one even asked me to prom. Sort of. He seems very confused and doesn't exactly want a girlfriend older than him, even though he says I am a great person.
Society's unwritten rules of age differences in relationships really bug me. Guys don't want to date older girls usually, and girls are supposed to fall for older guys. Trying to go against that is a very complex process that I don't quite understand. I mean, if the age difference works for guys and younger girls, why not for girls and younger guys?
Sigh. I guess I really don't have much else to say except I wish some guy would just understand me and realise that I do, in fact, want a relationship. And a relationship to me does not just immediately jump to making out and fooling around. A relationship should be just understanding and talking to one another, and maybe kisses. Yes, kisses are nice. And after a long time of being together, then maybe, maybe a bit more than that.
Am I wrong to think the way I do? Am I stuck with hopeless teen romance ideas? Will I ever find someone who just wants to love me for me and be loved in return? Because really, I do just want someone to care about.
Then there's this whole age issue. People seem to find it strange when I like guys who are younger than me. I have always gotten along better with people younger than me, it is just who I am. When I am around people older than me, it makes me feel uncomfortable, being as they most likely are more experienced in relationships and just talking to people in general. I have tried talking to and flirting with older guys. They never understand my intentions, thinking for some stupid reason that I must just want to fool around with them for a while. NO. This is not what I mean. Not in the least. Younger guys seem to understand this more for some reason.
I would love to find a guy who is funny, who likes similar things, who is easy to talk to, and doesn't expect more from me than I am willing to give. Even if that just means that he would be a friend. I could go to him for advice and there are things that girls just don't understand and guys do (video games for example).
Then there are these high school guys who keep talking/texting to me. They seem interested in me, and one even asked me to prom. Sort of. He seems very confused and doesn't exactly want a girlfriend older than him, even though he says I am a great person.
Society's unwritten rules of age differences in relationships really bug me. Guys don't want to date older girls usually, and girls are supposed to fall for older guys. Trying to go against that is a very complex process that I don't quite understand. I mean, if the age difference works for guys and younger girls, why not for girls and younger guys?
Sigh. I guess I really don't have much else to say except I wish some guy would just understand me and realise that I do, in fact, want a relationship. And a relationship to me does not just immediately jump to making out and fooling around. A relationship should be just understanding and talking to one another, and maybe kisses. Yes, kisses are nice. And after a long time of being together, then maybe, maybe a bit more than that.
Am I wrong to think the way I do? Am I stuck with hopeless teen romance ideas? Will I ever find someone who just wants to love me for me and be loved in return? Because really, I do just want someone to care about.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
boys.
so last weekend, i was hanging out with my friends and we were watching movies. it was great. i saw the phantom of the opera for the first time ever. then we watched several fantasia movies and stayed up til 5:30 am. it was seriously the most fun i had had in a while.
now it is spring break. and its not even really spring yet. tho it did rain the other day. its been snowing more and it is depressing me. i really really hate snow. i miss the sounds of rain against the windows. it is not much of a spring break if there's still snow on the ground!
so. now im stuck inside, with my crazy family. and i dont even know what to do with myself. i mean, sure i have homework to do. but i want to hang out with people. thing is, everyone is far away. especially the people (boys) i cant seem to get my mind off of. i know i only talked to him a few times, but he's so great and well. i dont know. i just am obsessing. like i do about every single guy ive ever had a crush on. hmm. one of these days ill get one to stay for a while. i just need to figure out how. i think he likes me too. he really seemed to. but he's always got work to do and projects and its crazy, even though he's a senior he is going to stay an extra year to finish up classes for his double majors. so i still potentially have a year to hang with him before life takes us our separate ways or whatever. he hasnt talked to me much lately, im so not sure if he likes me or not. i wish i could just know for once. just know what people think of me. that would be great.
thats the thing about college. finding out who i am, and getting other people to like me for who i am as well. im working on it, and one of these days i will figure it all out. hopefully.
now it is spring break. and its not even really spring yet. tho it did rain the other day. its been snowing more and it is depressing me. i really really hate snow. i miss the sounds of rain against the windows. it is not much of a spring break if there's still snow on the ground!
so. now im stuck inside, with my crazy family. and i dont even know what to do with myself. i mean, sure i have homework to do. but i want to hang out with people. thing is, everyone is far away. especially the people (boys) i cant seem to get my mind off of. i know i only talked to him a few times, but he's so great and well. i dont know. i just am obsessing. like i do about every single guy ive ever had a crush on. hmm. one of these days ill get one to stay for a while. i just need to figure out how. i think he likes me too. he really seemed to. but he's always got work to do and projects and its crazy, even though he's a senior he is going to stay an extra year to finish up classes for his double majors. so i still potentially have a year to hang with him before life takes us our separate ways or whatever. he hasnt talked to me much lately, im so not sure if he likes me or not. i wish i could just know for once. just know what people think of me. that would be great.
thats the thing about college. finding out who i am, and getting other people to like me for who i am as well. im working on it, and one of these days i will figure it all out. hopefully.
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